There were so many times that people made me feel like I was somehow mentally unstable or incredibly selfish for not wanting to procreate. I hate that. My feelings were belittled with statements like the classic, “It’ll be different with your own kids.” You know what, it is different… but not in the way they meant.
I feel like a huge ass sometimes because I have moments that I wish I had gone ahead and had an abortion. (We discussed it often, but Ross didn't feel he could deal with it.) I know Ross would probably have hated me for it, but the way things are going I feel like he’s going to anyway… if he doesn’t already. At least if I’d had the abortion I wouldn’t be screwing up our kid by being a horrible mom.
I hated even trying breastfeeding. It made me very uncomfortable. I know it’s natural and best for baby, but it felt creepy to me. I was secretly glad it failed… or I guess secretly glad I had an excuse for it to fail. Please, don’t take that to mean that I’m glad he went through all he did with his birth and the NICU. Even the pumping was/ is dreadful. I feel sick to my stomach every time I strap the pump on. It hurts. My nipples are actually black and blue. Just my shirt brushing them is torture. There were times I wanted to cry when my nipples were touched.
The cloth diapers are sometimes a pain. I try to make it seem like it’s not a big deal, but every day my hands are being stuck right in the midst of the urine and poop that disgusts me, so that I can dig that little insert out. The pail stinks. The diapers stink. I smell diaper when I walk into the house and I hate that others do too. I console myself with knowing it would smell even worse with disposables, I guess.
|A Penny Saved|
I’m tired of Ross' family asking me when I’m getting a job… and not once has he piped up to say that WE decided I’d stay home while Xander is young. The whole job thing is enough of a problem for me. It seems like with every job, I just end up discovering a new way for my hands to cause an issue. When I finally get excited about a career, I get a “We’ll see.” when I talked to him about paying for training and a whole freaking lecture on long hours and weekends from the in-laws. I just can’t win!
I worry about what I’d do if anything happened to Ross. It was enough of a concern when it was just me, but now I’d have Xander to care for too. When I mentioned having enough insurance to at least pay off the house, he was less than encouraging when he said I wouldn’t be able to keep up the bills anyway. Basically, it came across that Ross didn’t care where we ended up living. It’s not enough that we’d lose him… we’d get to lose our home too. Wonderful.
|Dungeons and Dragons|
I bust my ass trying to keep the house clean. I take pride in a clean home and feeling like I’m taking care of Ross in some way. I want his family to come to our home and see that I’m taking care of him… not just sitting around mooching off of him or something. It makes me angry and sad when Ross acts like I need to chill out. I know he doesn’t understand the clean freak in me, but he could at least show some support now and then.
|Let's Talk Poop|
I’m angry that a lot of my fears are coming true with regards to my health. The women in my family often go through a ton of problems after having babies. I have already gone from light, short periods with no cramps to painful, heavy, longer periods. I used to be able to set a timer to them; they were so regular… 28 day cycle on the dot and always started between 8am and noon. Now, it’s so crazy that my iPhone app for tracking can’t even predict it. I dread it getting worse, but the doctor said there’s nothing wrong by medical standards so basically shut the hell up.
Sex hurts now. According to the doctor, again, there is nothing physically wrong so apparently it’s all in my head. Probably. I’m terrified of getting pregnant again. I used to really enjoy making love… now I force myself to try every so often because I know he still wants it.
|Help! I'm Struggling|
I feel like a huge failure as a wife and mom. Things that should be coming naturally to me just aren’t. Things that I once enjoyed are now a chore. I feel like Ross and I are already falling apart. I miss us and what we were not so long ago. I miss feeling happy. I miss being healthy.
I love my husband. I love my son. I want to love myself.