30 March 2011

Sheffield Materials Arrived

Course Materials
I got my materials from Sheffield on Monday for my Wedding and Event Planning course. I paid in full, so I got a bonus of a collection of great wedding idea books as well. I’m excited to have finally found what I want to be when I grow up… and actually taking steps toward making it happen. The limitations of my hand sensitivities are not a problem with this line of work, which is a huge bonus.

I have already completed most of the first lesson. There are four in the unit. I just have to sign on, when I have some quiet time, to do the achievement exam for the lesson. It was primarily an introduction to what a planner does… sort of a “day in the life.” They covered some basic terms and looked at how planners charge for their services. I have already learned a lot.

Looking forward to taking on the next lesson!

29 March 2011

Chevron Jewel Scarf & Podster Gloves

Chevron Jewel Begun
I have a bunch of projects on the needle at the moment, but this scarf has got to be my favorite of the bunch. I was up working on it by cell phone light in the middle of the night. It’s a simple chevron pattern available from Brenda over at Molecular Knitting. I had the pattern memorized before the end of the first row. Highly recommended! The yarn is the new Knit Picks Chroma in Roller Skate. I’m already dreaming up variations and wondering what yarn to try next.

Mom's Podster
I’m also working on convertible gloves… Podster by Knitting To Stay Sane. The pattern is available as a free download on Ravelry. I’ve only made fingerless gloves before, so I was nervous about tackling this new challenge, but the pattern is written beautifully and makes the process simple. The blue-green pair for Mom is another colorway from the Chroma line.

My Podster
The pink and black pair are for myself using some SockPixie Tencel that’s been hiding in my stash for a few years now. I will probably grab more Chroma in Roller Skate to make a pair of these to go with the lovely scarf… possibly modifying it to incorporate the chevrons.

18 March 2011

Training For Bellin

Bellin Run 2011
I have started following the training program for the upcoming Bellin Run. I promised my sister and nieces that Xander and I would walk with them this year. Xander and his soon-to-be cousin Leila will be riding in strollers… lucky ducks! I’m following the walking schedule because my body is just not ready to jump right into running a marathon. The weather didn’t cooperate with the walk routine scheduled for today, but my aching shins could use a bit of a break, I guess.

Wii Fit Plus
I was all set to do extra activities on WiiFit to make up for the lost walking time, but the disc refuses to work. I play it a lot, so it is disappointing that it died on me. It’s not a very strenuous workout, but it does get the heart rate up if you put a lot into it. I like the balance games best.

Active Life
I decided to pull Active Life: Outdoor Challenge from retirement instead. I had forgotten how great of a workout it is! Within just a few minutes after turning it on, I had already run, stomped, “skated”, jumped rope and paddled. It’s a cute game and I can’t figure out why I ever put it aside.

I’m trying to up my elliptical time as well. I haven’t exercised much at all since Xander was born. I have been just plain tired! It was sad that i was already growing tired after only 20 minutes. I definitely need to get back in shape… I’ve really lost a lot of stamina in just the past year.

16 March 2011


I suppose yesterday’s journal post was a bit harsh. I should probably take it down, but I won’t. It’s real… and I promised myself I would be real and honest here. Sure, it is exaggerated by exhaustion and frustration, but it is what I needed to say in the moment.

I felt free and calmer after I published it. I took Xander for a walk and kicked off my training for walking a marathon with my sister. I came home and cooked a wonderful dinner for Ross and me. I plotted out an actual schedule for Xander. I signed up for the course in party planning. In general, it gave me the release of tension I needed to start making changes.

15 March 2011


NO Kids!
I made it clear to everyone right from the start that I never wanted kids of my own. I knew from a very young age that I was not meant to be a parent. When I played with my dolls, I was babysitting… they were never my own.  My whole family and most my friends have known for a very long time that I didn’t want kids. I appeased them by saying, “I wouldn’t mind adopting… someday.” I never had any intention of adopting.

There were so many times that people made me feel like I was somehow mentally unstable or incredibly selfish for not wanting to procreate. I hate that. My feelings were belittled with statements like the classic, “It’ll be different with your own kids.” You know what, it is different… but not in the way they meant.

I feel like a huge ass sometimes because I have moments that I wish I had gone ahead and had an abortion. (We discussed it often, but Ross didn't feel he could deal with it.) I know Ross would probably have hated me for it, but the way things are going I feel like he’s going to anyway… if he doesn’t already.  At least if I’d had the abortion I wouldn’t be screwing up our kid by being a horrible mom.

Babies Drool
The drooling, pooping, puke, spit up and even kissing babies with open mouths makes me physically ill. That was definitely one of those points where I had most hoped people were right about the “different with your own kids.” They were wrong. Instead, I grin and bear it… feeling like a jerk for being grossed out by my own baby for doing what babies do.

I hated even trying breastfeeding. It made me very uncomfortable. I know it’s natural and best for baby, but it felt creepy to me. I was secretly glad it failed… or I guess secretly glad I had an excuse for it to fail. Please, don’t take that to mean that I’m glad he went through all he did with his birth and the NICU. Even the pumping was/ is dreadful. I feel sick to my stomach every time I strap the pump on. It hurts. My nipples are actually black and blue. Just my shirt brushing them is torture. There were times I wanted to cry when my nipples were touched.

The cloth diapers are sometimes a pain. I try to make it seem like it’s not a big deal, but every day my hands are being stuck right in the midst of the urine and poop that disgusts me, so that I can dig that little insert out. The pail stinks. The diapers stink. I smell diaper when I walk into the house and I hate that others do too. I console myself with knowing it would smell even worse with disposables, I guess.

A Penny Saved
I’ve done it all to save money. I feel like enough of a financial drain on Ross as it is. I try to save money where I can so that occasionally I can ask to buy something for myself (like soda, some clothes, a treat or some yarn) without feeling like shit. I already feel like a child asking daddy for money whenever I would like something.

I’m tired of Ross' family asking me when I’m getting a job… and not once has he piped up to say that WE decided I’d stay home while Xander is young. The whole job thing is enough of a problem for me. It seems like with every job, I just end up discovering a new way for my hands to cause an issue. When I finally get excited about a career, I get a “We’ll see.” when I talked to him about paying for training and a whole freaking lecture on long hours and weekends from the in-laws. I just can’t win!

I worry about what I’d do if anything happened to Ross. It was enough of a concern when it was just me, but now I’d have Xander to care for too. When I mentioned having enough insurance to at least pay off the house, he was less than encouraging when he said I wouldn’t be able to keep up the bills anyway. Basically, it came across that Ross didn’t care where we ended up living. It’s not enough that we’d lose him… we’d get to lose our home too. Wonderful.

Dungeons and Dragons
DDO is the bane of my existence. It started out as a fun way for Ross to kill some time, but it has taken over. I honestly believed he’d play less once the baby came… he plays more than ever. It seems to be his only concern some days. He is constantly in a rush to get home because a quest is starting. He checks his characters or whatever more than most people check their email. I’ve had direct conversations with him while he’s playing without so much as a nod of acknowledgment that he heard me speaking. It feels far too much like DDO means more to Ross than Xander or me. I’m starting to understand why some people divorce over games like this.

I bust my ass trying to keep the house clean. I take pride in a clean home and feeling like I’m taking care of Ross in some way. I want his family to come to our home and see that I’m taking care of him… not just sitting around mooching off of him or something. It makes me angry and sad when Ross acts like I need to chill out. I know he doesn’t understand the clean freak in me, but he could at least show some support now and then.

Let's Talk Poop
He really hurt me a few weeks ago during a conversation about Xander. I remember saying something like, “We’ve been reduced to talking about poop.” He responded, “Well, at least we have something new to talk about.” Have we really already run out of things to talk about? Has talking to me really become so unbearable?

I’m angry that a lot of my fears are coming true with regards to my health. The women in my family often go through a ton of problems after having babies. I have already gone from light, short periods with no cramps to painful, heavy, longer periods. I used to be able to set a timer to them; they were so regular… 28 day cycle on the dot and always started between 8am and noon. Now, it’s so crazy that my iPhone app for tracking can’t even predict it. I dread it getting worse, but the doctor said there’s nothing wrong by medical standards so basically shut the hell up.

Sex hurts now. According to the doctor, again, there is nothing physically wrong so apparently it’s all in my head. Probably. I’m terrified of getting pregnant again. I used to really enjoy making love… now I force myself to try every so often because I know he still wants it.

Help! I'm Struggling
I hate how I look. I know it drives Ross crazy when I say that, but I can’t help how I feel. He didn’t know the thin, healthy, confident me. I want him to meet her so badly, because I’m convinced he’d love her even more than the me he knows now. I hate struggling to lose weight. I hate that I eat crap because I feel like crap and then just make the problem worse.

I feel like a huge failure as a wife and mom. Things that should be coming naturally to me just aren’t. Things that I once enjoyed are now a chore. I feel like Ross and I are already falling apart. I miss us and what we were not so long ago. I miss feeling happy. I miss being healthy.

I love my husband. I love my son. I want to love myself.

10 March 2011

Fowl Joke

Do they make rubber turkeys?
I made a turkey for dinner last night. I was making a gravy from the drippings and I knew it would not be enough for my gravy-crazy hubby, so I added chicken stock. Normally I just know when it's right, but adding stock threw me off. I’m a vegetarian, so obviously I wasn't going to taste it.

So… I explain the situation to my dear hubby and comment that I don’t really know how the gravy will taste.

He pipes up, “Probably fowl.”

Hardy-har-har. I await the arrival of a rubber chicken so that I may slap him silly with it as he sleeps.

08 March 2011

Today I Begin Again... Again

Just a short entry today announcing that I am beginning once again to get things back on track. I have been up and down in weight for most of my life, but never to this extreme. Medications brought me from 125 pounds to 250 pounds within 6 months… it’s taking far more time and effort to take it back off.

I have motivation now in the form of a newborn son. I don’t want to succumb to the health issues that ravage my family. I want to be there for my son and my husband.

03 March 2011

Cancer Fears

Lung Cancer Awareness
There was some concern over the last few months that Mom’s cancer had returned. Her bi-annual checkup was in January and they found a spot on the scans. There was a biopsy performed, but the surgeon admitted that he was not satisfied with the sample he acquired so they wanted to retest in a few months. Mom has been so stressed that there was cancer being allowed to run rampant in her body in order to let it grow enough to be easier to find.

A few days ago, when she was retested, her fears were made worse when the tech said, “You see your doctor soon, right?” immediately after the exam. For the next several days she waited and waited. We were both stressed and our constant snapping at each other showed it. It was a very long wait.

It turned out all the stress was for nothing… still cancer free! Go Mom!

01 March 2011

Reunited By Facebook

It has been over fifteen years since I talked to my grade school into high school best friend. Val and I lost track of each other after my family moved a few times. I attempted to reach her through her parents, but they didn’t approve of our friendship… she became much more outgoing and less focused on education once we became friends. We both were straight A students, but she would no longer cry when an A+ was a regular ol’ A or A-. I’m not even sure Val’s parents ever told her I called. Probably not.

When MySpace came on to the scene, I was so hopeful that she would sign up and I would finally find her. I searched for her name once a week, but never found her. Then Facebook came along. I signed up in the days when you still needed a college email account to even gain access. I knew my friend had planned to go to college, so odds were good. It wasn’t until just a few days ago, via a “People You May Know” link on another friend’s profile, that I finally found her!

I sent off a message to her. I wasn’t entirely sure if it was her, because she was sporting a new surname and the profile picture was unclear. I quickly got a message back. We wrote back and forth a couple of times and then exchanged phone numbers.

Last night, I called her. I recognized her voice immediately. We spent the next two hours catching up… talking about family, our spouses, what we’ve been up to, and just chatting about everyday stuff. It felt like we had never lost track of each other. We’re already planning to meet up when she’s in the area.

I now have both of my good childhood friends back in my life. It feels good.